Locke Cole; 007 And A Half
by ntrophi
Summary: The FFVI cast do James Bond. Kupo, kupo, kupopo!! Time to meet the rest of Narshe's secret agent force! Reviews in exchange for cookies!
1. Locke Cole; International man of intrigu...

Author note: This started off as a weak attempt to get through an entire fic without making fun of either Locke or Celes. I just wanted to see if I could do it. I even gave Locke the lead role.  
However, it wasn't long before my sense of humour kicked in. Damn that sense of humour.  
Anyhoo. I don't own any FF characters. The concept of 007 is not mine either. I'm just twisting them both together for my own Servant of Darkness means. Heh heh.  
Enjoy! Cookies to those who review (as always) Empty tins of horrible black stuff to those who don't.  
  
  
The night was cold and bitter; snow falling all around the three figures as they crept between the dark shadows. Not a sound was to be heard, even when one of the figures tripped over a rogue snowflake.  
  
They continued through the darkened landscape that was Narshe; the coal mines city. It did not take them long to reach the mines themselves; any guards quickly silenced by a knife across the throat.  
  
They finally made it to the chmaber deep inside the mines; the one where the mythical esper was being hidden. The three figures watched the being for a moment, before one of them let out a low whistle.  
  
'Wow. It's reeeeally pretty...' His observation was rewarded by a slap around the head from the second figure.  
  
'Shut up, fool,' he hissed. 'We're supposed to be sneaking around here! Last thing we need is for you to alert the darned authorities,'  
  
  
The screen went black for a moment, centering on the second figure. A heartless assassin, currently working for the Empire of Evil (EOE) and being driven nuts by his incompetant assistants.  
Default name: Shadow.  
  
  
The first figure tilted his head to one side.  
  
'Oh yeah. Sorry, Shadow...' Shadow rolled his eyes and whacked the first figure again.  
  
'Shut UP, Wedge,' The third figure stirred.  
  
'Sir? Didn't you wanted us to be quiet, sir?' Shadow turned to the third figure; eyes blazing.  
  
'Yes, Vicks. I did. It does not help when you two keep on TALKING!' His voice echoed off the thick walls of the cavern, causing Shadow to drop his head into his hands.  
  
'Look...' he started, his calm tone covering the sheer anger he felt about this job. The supreme ruler knew that he could handle this alone. Why in Goddess' name did he send these two idiots along as well?  
  
'Lets just get this over with and get out,' Vicks and Wedge nodded gormlessly and all three began to advance on the frozen esper.  
  
'What are we doing again, sir?' Wedge muttered after a moment. Shadow just restrained himself from strangling the dopey soldier. The supreme ruler had warned him not to kill anymore of his minions.  
  
'We are taking this esper back to the EOE, where the supreme ruler can figure out how to use it against the foolish governments who rule this world!' he hissed, feeling that large vein on his head begin to throb.  
  
'Not this time, Shhadow,' a voice cried from behind them.  
  
  
Closet alcoholic, and world crossword champion. A suave spy turned secret agent; working for the Narshe government on the most deadly of missions.  
Default name: Cole. Locke Cole. 007 and a half  
  
  
Shadow, and his incompetant floozies turned to see Locke Cole - secret agent extraordinaire - stood with a martini in one hand and his gun in the other. His white dinner jacket had a streak of chilli sauce on it, and he smelt distinctly of second hand vodka. Obviously, he had been caught on his day off.  
  
'My dear Ssshadow,' Locke started, in a somewhat slurred voice. 'I thought you knew better than to come messhing with Narsshe'sh government again,' Shadow stood upright and scowled angrily.  
  
'Cole!' he hissed. 'You won't survive again, this time, you spy!' Locke's eyes narrowed.  
  
'It's SHECRET AGENT, you anti-shocial bad guy, you,' Shadow shrugged.  
  
'Same difference. Get him, boys!'  
  
  
Vicks and Wedge started to walk forwards menacingly; weapons of choice drawn. Locke watched them advance, through slightly blurred eyes.  
  
'I shee... Two on one, eh? I can take you two on, with my martini tied behind my back!' He gently placed his drink down on the floor before putting up his fists.  
  
'Have at you!' He closed his eyes and swung.  
  
  
His fist never connected. It never needed to. I told you Vicks and Wedge were incompetant, didn't I? Wedge swung his katana around his head, accidentally lopping Vicks' ear off. The other soldier let out a howl of pain, and dropped his axe on his toe.  
  
'AAAAAAAGH!' Vicks screamed. Wedge, who didn't know what was going on anymore, screamed as well, grabbing his head with his hands like he'd been shot or something. Shadow rolled his eyes, and muttered something to himself as he readied to push the frozen esper out of the cavern.  
  
Seconds later, there was a flash of red, and all three villains found themselves in a heap at the bottom of the esper. Locke opened his eyes gingerly, and smiled triumphantly.  
  
'Hah-HAH! That'll teach you to try and pick a fight with me!' He leapt back as something tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
  
Locke's sidekick; mysterious, deadly, master of diguise and great at putting up with his slightly inept friend.  
Default name: Gogo  
  
  
'Darnit, Gogo! Don't do that!' Locke cried; hand on his heart. Gogo waved a hand in a gesture of apology. Locke nodded, ignoring the three villains, who were currently heading out of the cavern door with the esper in tow.  
  
'How did ya get in here without being sheen?' Gogo held a finger up and turned his back to the secret agent. Moments later, he turned back, and was amazingly disguised as a snowflake. Locke clapped a couple of times.  
  
'Bravo, old boy! Fooled 'em all again!' Gogo transformed back into his usual self, and took a bow.  
  
'Shee that, Shhadow?' Locke said, turning to the esper. Or where the esper used to be.  
  
'What the...? HEY!' Gogo shook his head and patted Locke on the shoulder. Locke let out a sigh and they both began to walk out of the mines.  
  
'I can't believe they got away and took the eshper...' Locke muttered, slurping down the rest of his martini. Gogo nodded sympathetically. 'I mean, they got away from me... Me! Cole, Locke Cole. How dare they?' Gogo shrugged, wondering why on earth Locke had been wandering the streets of Narshe at such a time.  
  
'We need to find out what'sh going on, Gogo, old friend,' Locke went on. Gogo rolled his eyes. Always "we".  
  
'And we have to shtop it! I won't let Shhadow get away again!'   
  
  
A continent away, a shadowy figure sat; hidden within the comforts of his dimly lit room. He was waiting for the reports from his top assassin, and his slightly less successful soldiers, to come in.  
  
'They should have the esper by now, sir,' a female voice said, in a slight monotone. The slave crown that glinted atop her head robbed her of all conscious thought and fashion sense. She was wearing the green and red EOE uniform, which clashed quite horrifically with her green hair.  
  
  
A half-esper, half-human, forced to work for the EOE against her own wishes. A would-be seductive temptress, if she wasn't so confused about love.  
Default name: Terra  
  
  
A tall, blond man stood a few feet away from Terra. His uniform was the same ghastly uniform as the half-esper, and it clashed just as badly with his hair. His blue eyes looked sorrowfully off to the left as he let out a truly deep sigh. Yes, he was a soldier, but he hated to see people hurt.  
  
'Yes, sir. If we're lucky, no-one will have been hurt...'  
  
  
An excellent soldier - too kind for his own good - following anyone who gives him orders. A bit of a momma's boy, really.  
Default name: Leo  
  
  
'I know that, you pinheads...' The shadowy figure clicked his fingers. A small hamster scampered across the floor, only pausing to hiss at Leo before jumping into the figure's lap. The hamster was a disturbing colour; bright red with a tiny little blue feather sticking out of the top of it's head. It wore tiny, iddy-biddy robes; the same colour as the general EOE uniform. She gave off an air of sheer disdain for all except her master as she curled into a ball on his lap.  
  
  
Hamster assassin, and all around psychotic pet.  
Default name: Hamka  
  
  
The shadowy figure began to stroke the small pet in his lap, and leaned forwards into the light; grinning evilly.  
  
'Those idiots won't get away so easily this time. Once I have that esper, nothing will stand a chance against me and my Empire of Evil. Uwhee hee hee!!' I think you all know who that is, but we have to have the black screen thing anyway.  
  
  
Would-be destroyer of the world, leader of the Empire of Evil, owner of copyrightable laughter, maker of great dips and hater of good guys.  
Default name: Kefka  
  
  
Leo let himself sigh slightly. Such losses to mankind would occur if Kefka's plan went ahead. But what terrors would occur if Kefka became angry? He swallowed deeply. Such a thing was not worth thinking about.  
  
'Do you think the Narshe government will give in to your demands, sir?' Kefka waved a hand.  
  
'Course they will! What fools would dare stand against my ultra-secret weapon?' Leo nodded.  
'An excellent point, sir. However, this all depends on Shadow's capability to obtain the esper. If he fails, then more lives will be lost...' Kefka rolled his eyes.  
  
'Stop being so infernally annoying, Leo. Of course he'll get the esper... He'd better,'  
  
  
Just outside of Narshe, Shadow, Vicks and Wedge were trying to hide the obviously stolen esper.  
  
'Why didn't the supreme ruler give us a truck?' Vicks was complaining as Shadow had to bite his lip.  
  
'Because this had to be a top secret operation. Driving a huge truck into the mine's of Narshe is not very secret, is it?' A look of realisation crossed Vicks' face.  
  
'Oh yeah,' Shadow held a growl and concentrated on getting the esper out of plain sight before day break. Then he would be able to get in contact with the supreme ruler and have a nice, long rant about those two idiots.  
  
'He'd better be paying me well for this...'  



	2. KUPOPO!

Author note: I'm glad people liked my idea. Very glad. Don't worry. I'm up to my old "everyone but Kefka" bashing ways in this chapter. I mean no disrespect!  
On a slightly different note: To those of you who liked Setzeroth and demanded a sequel, I'm working on it. Just to let you know.  
FF characters not mine. You can guess who I mean by Yahee and VOL. Quake and Sim City are owned by other people. Not me. Don't sue me, darnit! I'm a student! I'm poor enough as it is!  
Cookies to those who review. Non-treatable virus' to those who don't.  
Enjoy!  
  
  
It took Locke and Gogo longer to get to HQ than they thought. Well, the streets of Narshe were tempting for a closet alcoholic, and Locke just HAD to stop in every pub he saw. By the end of the night, Gogo was walking three feet ahead of his companion, shaking his head and wondering if he could get a transfer to be someone else's sidekick. He'd even think about going over to the "other side" (To the bad guys) The supreme leader of the Empire of Evil couldn't be as bad as Locke.  
  
Right?  
  
  
Back in the EoE, Hamka was exercising. That meant she was chasing Leo around the ultra-secret base. Everyone knew that Leo was deadly allergic to hamster fur. If he stopped, then she would pounce on him and give him the worst allergic reaction of his life.  
  
'Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir!' Leo was screaming as he sprinted into the throne room. Kefka waved a hand lazily at him.  
  
'You know not to disturb me when I'm playing, pinhead,' he murmured. He was playing his second favourite game - Sim City. He just loved to build up fantastic cities for his little Sims. And then...  
  
The pointer hovered over the "disasters" button. What to choose, what to choose? Tidal wave? Hurricaine? The King Koopa lookalike monster? Or his own special patch - The ever-trustworthy Light of Judgement. Well, the decision almost made itself.  
  
'FRRRRRRRY, FOOLISH, TRUSTING SIMS!! UWHAA HAA HAA!!' Kefka yelled as half his city was melted into a pile of white powder. Leo laughed nervously. Hamka had backed him into a corner.  
  
'Terra! Help meee!!' Leo yelled. Terra continued to stare blankly into space. She was thinking about what kind of shampoo she was going to buy next week. Such things were very important to a half-human, half-esper who supopsedly had no conscious thought of her own.  
  
'Siir... What am I going to do? I'm very allergic to pet-hair and if little Hamka...' Both Kefka and Hamka shot him a glare. Leo rethought his sentence.  
  
'... Whom I revere and admire so much, jumps on me, then I think I'll die,' Kefka waved a hand again, slightly annoyed that part of his city had survived the frenzied attack.  
  
'So?' Leo facefaulted.  
  
'But, sir...' Kefka rolled his eyes and readied to have a nuclear meltdown over the rest of his city.  
  
'Fight back. Eesh. You want me to fight all your battles for you?' Leo laughed nervously again.  
  
'It's kind of the other way around, sir. I fight all YOUR battles...' Kefka frowned thoughtfully.  
  
'Oh yeah...' He shrugged. 'Well, whatever,' He leaned back and ignored the fight that ensued between his hamster and his second-in-command, instead deciding to start an internet game of Quake.  
  
'"M" eh?' he mused, eyeing his opponent. 'Lets get it on!'  
  
  
Eventually, Gogo and Locke stumbled into HQ.  
  
'Sheesh. Can't you have ONE day off without drinking every drop of alcohol in Narshe, Cole?' a shrill voice yelled, making Locke wince slightly.  
  
'Please don't do that, Miss Paintypenny...'  
  
  
M's secretary, painter extraordinaire and the owner of the largest pair of lungs this side of the mountains.  
Default name: Miss Relm Paintypenny  
  
  
'Why? Headache?!' Relm trilled. Locke put a hand to his head and groaned.  
  
'Look. We have to talk to M. Can we talk to M, Miss Paintypenny?' Relm consulted the small diary in front of her.  
  
'Well he's busy right now, and he is booked up for another month... I can squeeze you in sometime in August?' Locke frowned, and thwapped the young girl upside the head.  
  
'Just let me in, you infernal brat,' Relm backed off.  
  
'Fine, fine. Just don't blame me when he goes thermal on you...' Locke did not hear - he was already opening the door to M's office. Gogo, however, was paying attention and decided to stay outside.  
  
Wise choice.  
  
  
'M! I think the EoE is up to something terrible,' Locke said, rather dramatically as he burst into the small office. He didn't get very far before he was grabbed from behind and held upside down.  
  
'....' (Translation: Halt, vile intruder!)  
  
  
M's bodyguard and wannabe sculptor. Silent, deadly and very, very hairy.  
Default name: Umaro  
  
  
'PUT ME DOWN YOU HAIRY BEAST!' Locke screamed. International man of intrigue he may be, but he did not like being held upside down by an eight foot tall creature.  
  
'Grawrgh!' (Translation: What should I do with him, Mr M?) Umaro said, shooting a questioning glance towards the overly large desk at the centre of the room.  
  
'Throw him out, kupo! I'm in the middle of a very important Quake match right now, kupo! Try to beat ME will you "Supreme Leader"?!?! KUPOPO!!'  
  
  
The head of Narshe's secret agent division; fast-talking, slam-dancing, Quake playing moogle with a slightly psychotic streak.  
Default name: Mog (or M for short)  
  
  
'But, sir!' Locke said. Mog waved a hand.  
  
'Unless it's about the EoE, kupo, I don't want to hear it, kupo,' Umaro and Locke exchanged glances.  
  
'I think the EoE is up to something terrible,' Locke repeated, slower and calmer this time. Mog's eyes shot up from the computer screen.  
  
'What?! Why didn't you say this before, kupo!? This is terrible, kupo!' The small moogle leapt up from his seat and stood on the desk; brandishing a rather pointy spear. His eyes slitted at Umaro.  
  
'What are you doing, Yetikupo? Put him down, kupo!' Umaro shrugged and dropped Locke onto the floor. The agent took a moment to shake the stars from his vision and stood up shakily.  
  
'I just caught Shadow and two flunkies trying to steal Narshe's esper,' Locke said. Mog's jaw dropped.  
  
'I hope you stopped them, kupo! That esper is very important, kupo!' Locke started to look at the floor.  
  
'Well, we did try to stop them... But there were tonnes of them! Hundreds!' He took up a fighting position and growled. 'I took out one, and then another, but then they were all over me! Gogo was hiding, and I knew I had to save him,' Mog rolled his eyes.  
  
'... Rgagh...' Umaro said. (Translation: He was drunk and let them go again, didn't he?) Mog nodded.  
  
'You bet, kupo,' They both shrugged. Locke was still ranting about how he tried valiantly to fight off all the EoE minions, and was currently demonstrating his death grip on Mog's potted plant.  
  
'Alright, kupo,' Mog said. 'We get the point, kupo. You let them get away, didn't you, kupo?' Locke didn't even look up.  
  
'... And he tried to pull my throat out of me! My throat! So I grabbed him, and I said "Look here, you minion of evil! No-one takes Locke Cole's throat away from him unless they are a particularly beautiful lady," But he wouldn't listen, so I had to use my Karate-CHOP on him...' He demonstrated his karate chop on the closest plant. Mog's eye twitched slightly as he saw his favourite ferns getting chopped into pieces.  
  
'You better stop now, kupo,' he said calmly. Locke ignored him; he was too far into his reverie.  
  
'... And I grabbed him like THIS, and he started to cry! "Well, tough tootles!" I said to him. "You tried to take MY throat away from me!" So he cried like a baby! I mean, here was a fully grown man, crying like a little...'  
  
'....!' Umaro said. (Translation: I would stop now if I were you. The boss is getting that glint in his eye again...) Locke continued to bash Mog's plant.  
  
  
'AIIIIIIIIIE-YA!! KUPOPO!!!!'  
  
Gogo looked up and winced slightly. Relm chuckled.  
  
'I told him not to go in there...'  
  
  
'Now that you've stopped ranting, kupo,' Mog said calmly, dusting his fur off. Locke nodded meekly, trying to realign his spine. 'Maybe we can get on with giving you a new mission, kupo,' Locke smiled slightly.  
  
'Yes, sir,'  
  
  
Meanwhile, in a cave just south of Narshe, Vicks and Wedge were playing snap. Shadow was sat about five feet away; his head in his hands, trying desperately not to listen to them. He was trying to get through to the supreme leader on his nifty EoE laptop (standard issue to non-idiotic minions) but his line was connected.  
  
'I bet he's playing Quake again...' Shadow muttered.  
  
'SNAP!' Wedge yelled. Vicks frowned.  
  
'Since when was a two and a seven the same?' Wedge slapped his forehead with one hand.  
  
'Sorry. I thought we were playing same suit snap,' Vicks tilted his head to one side.  
  
'Since when was a heart and a spade the same suit?'  
  
'Same colour?'  
  
'Since when was black and red the same colour?'  
  
'SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!!' Shadow yelled, resisting the urge to throttle both of them. VOL (Vector OnLine) was driving him absolutely nuts, and his state of mind was not helped by those bickering idiots.  
  
'Just shush. Watch the esper or something,' Vicks and Wedge saluted eagerly.  
  
'Yes, sir!' He didn't hear a peep out of them for the next two hours, as they sat and watched the esper intently.  
  
Shadow let out a sigh of relief and waited for the supreme leader to answer his "DRING" message.  
  
'Stupid YaHee...' he muttered, typing a message again as the messenger crashed on him for the fourth time in twenty minutes.  
  
It took three restarts, two redownloads of messenger and at least seven curses the likes of which I shall not repeat here. (This is a family fic, after all) But finally, an hour later, the supreme leader answered with an irritated;  
  
::What the heck do you want? I thought you'd be dead by now!::  
  
'Charming...' Shadow said, typing.  
  
::We got the package for you, sir:: The supreme leader typed a little confused smily. ( :-/ for those who care)  
  
::What package? Are you my uniform designer? I thought I LoJ'd you off the face of this puny little planet... Uwhee hee hee...:: Shadow rolled his eyes.  
  
::No, sir. The package... You know...?:: The supreme leader did an angry face. ( X( for those who care)  
  
::Who in Vector's name are you?! I hate guessing games!!:: Shadow gulped. He could almost hear the Light of Judgement powering up.  
  
::It's me. Shadow. We got the esper from Narshe, sir. The frozen one::  
  
::Ah. Gooooood! Knew I could rely on you to fg$dgfd*hgqembc!"0mnklsGDAW:: Shadow arched a brow.  
  
::Sorry, sir? Didn't quite catch that last part::  
  
::Stupid hamster on the keys... I said, "Bring it back to the ultra-secret HQ immediately" Are those two nitwits still alive?:: Shadow looked over to where Vicks and Wedge were sat. Vicks had fallen asleep on Wedge's shoulder and was drooling. Wedge was staring at the esper dimly.  
  
::Unfortunately, yes,::  
  
::Good. They're important in my scheme:: Shadow's eyes widened.  
  
'What?!' he yelled. How could those numbskulls be important?!  
  
::Yes, sir:: he typed. ::There may be one problem though. Locke Cole knows about the mission last night...::  
  
::WHAT!!?!?!?!::  
  
::*nervous cough* Yes, sir. He kind of stumbled in on us as we were in the process of stealing the esper...::  
  
::I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate...::  
  
Ten minutes later...  
  
::... hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE Locke COLE!! I'll have to resort to desperate measures. You just bring that esper back here NOW!:: And with that, the supreme leader was gone; off to play another bout of Quake. Shadow let out a deep sigh of relief.  
  
'Thank god...' He turned back to Vicks and Wedge. Both were now in a comatose state thanks to staring at the esper for two hours. Shadow rolled his eyes.  
  
It was going to be a long mission.  



	3. Presents for our leader...

Author note: Time for our "Q" to make an appearance. I don't own any of the FF characters (poor me) Or the 007 ideas. Almost time for the confrontation to widen... Kyeh heh heh...  
Enjoy! Cookies to those who review. Used lolly sticks to those who don't!!  
  
  
  
'So now that you let Shadowkupo get away with the esper, kupo,' Mog was saying as he led Locke and Gogo through the darkened corridors of Narshe's underground (literally) secret government headquarters (Try saying all that with a mouthful of jellybean sandwich)  
  
'We're gonna have to go and get it back, kupo,' Locke, now fully sober, nodded and grinned.  
  
'So, I get to jetset across the world again, fighting dangerous villains, meeting beauuutiful women and generally saving the world again?' Mog shook his head.  
  
'No, kupo. We're gonna put Gogokupo in charge, kupo,' Locke's jaw dropped. Gogo's eyes widened; the only sign of his surprise. Well, that and the fact that he was jumping around gleefully, doing an excellent impression of a football player who just scored the winning touchdown in the Superbowl.  
  
'WHAT?!' Locke exclaimed. Mog's face remained serious.  
  
'Yes, kupo. We want the job done right this time, kupo. We don't want you drinking all the funds again, kupo,' A single tear ran down Locke's cheek.  
  
'Y-you... Why?' Mog grinned.  
  
'Just kidding you, kupo! Why would we put mimekupo in charge when we have you, kupo?' Locke's tearful glare softened. Gogo began to bang his head against the nearest wall. He never got a break. Always that drunken fool. Damn. It made him want to kill himself, but then the world would be robbed of a great mime. What to do...?  
  
'Y-you mean that...?' Locke whispered. Mog nodded.  
  
'Sure, kupo. Now, c'mon, kupo. We have to go see Q, kupo,' Locke breathed a sigh of relief. Gogo continued to try and kill himself.  
  
  
They soon reached Q's lab; a haven of machinery, gadgets and beautiful female lab hands.  
  
'Heads up!!' a voice yelled. Gogo and Mog got out of the way. Locke was slightly off the pace and was hit in the chest by a inflatable projectile as it sped towards him.  
  
'Everyone alrig...' the voice continued, heading towards the complaining pile of secret agent. 'Oh... Sorry, Cole... Kinda got away from me there,'  
  
  
Master mechanic, King of a nation, lover of all women everywhere and explosives fanatic.  
Default name: Edgar (nickname - Q for Quitbuggingmeyouperv!)  
  
  
'Qkupo! What kind of invention is that, kupo?' Mog asked as he picked up the inflatable and peered curiously at it. Edgar smiled and gestured to it.  
  
'Well, as I demonstrated, you can fire it out of a cannon and knock over enemies at 500 paces... You can also put butter in the cannon and spread 3000 pieces of toast in two minutes,' Mog quirked an eyebrow.  
  
'Uh... alright, kupo,'  
  
'Anyone get the number of that truck...?' Locke groaned, as he was helped back up to vertical by Gogo. Edgar grinned and moved to slap the ailing agent on the back.  
  
'I knew you could survive it, old boy. After all, nothing can get you down, eh?'  
  
'Nothing except four bottles of tequila...' Gogo muttered; chuckling to himself.  
  
'You say something, kupo?' Mog asked; his eyes slitting again. Gogo shook his head and remained silent. Edgar grabbed Locke around the shoulders and began to drag him around the lab.  
  
'What brings you all down here anyway? I haven't missed Christmas again, have I?' One of his beautiful female lab hands strutted past, giving the young inventor a sultry smile. Edgar quirked a playful eyebrow.  
  
'I get so distracted sometimes...' Mog shook his head and eyed a few of the bizarre looking experiments that were bubbling around him.  
  
'Lockupo is going to the heart of the EOE this time, Qkupo,' he started; provoking gapes from Locke and Gogo.  
  
'I am? I thought we were just going to get the esper back!' Locke exclaimed. Mog shook his head and grinned evilly.  
  
'Well, kupo. You should know better than to assume like that, kupo. We want you to get rid of the EOE entirely this time, kupo,' Locke face-faulted, ignoring the fact that Gogo was pointing at him and laughing silently. All that sounded like hard work!  
  
'But, I'm only one man! They have an army!' Mog put an arm around Gogo.  
  
'Well, Gogokupo here will help you,' Gogo's silent jeers stopped suddenly.  
  
'D'oh...'  
  
'Ah-hah... So, you'll need some of my experiments to help you, am I right?' Edgar started, clapping his hands together and giggling childishly. 'I can't wait for you to try some of these babies out!' He led them to a long table; upon which there were countless gadgets and machines. Edgar picked up a bandana and held it up against Locke's suit.  
  
'Hmm... Not quite your colour, but it'll do...' Locke frowned.  
  
'It's a piece of cloth,' he said. Edgar waggled a finger at him.  
  
'So I would have you think! If you pull it taut once, then it becomes a highly explosive piece of cloth! You'll have ten seconds to get rid of it or deactivate it. Pull it taut three and a half times more and it will be deactivated,' Locke sweatdropped.  
  
'How do you pull something taut three and a half times?' he asked. Edgar didn't hear him; instead choosing to pick up another of his inventions and grinning at it.  
  
'You'll love this,' he started, holding up what appeared to be a set of lockpicks.  
  
'Lockpicks, kupo?' Mog asked, eyeing the bandana suspiciously. Everything Edgar made seemed to have something to do with explosives these days...  
  
'Not just any lockpicks!' Edgar gushed. 'These also double up as intricate toothpicks, as well as being highly explosive lockpicks!!' Locke, Mog and Gogo all exchanged glances. Edgar did not notice.  
  
'Rub any two of them together, and you have the equivilant of two hand grenades!! You'll have ten seconds to chuck them,' He demonstrated by rubbing two of the lockpicks together. Locke sweatdropped again.  
  
'Uhh... Edgar?' Edgar nodded in a preoccupied manner.  
  
'Uhm-hmm?'  
  
'How do you deactivate them?' Edgar frowned.  
  
'We haven't figured that part out yet...'  
  
  
Thankfully, the explosion didn't destroy too much of the lab, and a smoking and slightly charred Edgar was still able to show off a few more inventions before reaching his coup d'état.  
  
'This is our best invention yet,' he started, petting the chocobo on the head. Locke quirked an eyebrow.  
  
'It's a chocobo, right? Not an explosive chocobo, I hope...' Edgar smiled.  
  
'This is what we call the "Aston Choco" Just a normal, two person mode of transportation, right?' Gogo, Locke and Mog all nodded slowly, even though they knew that this was no ordinary chocobo. What kind of normal chocobo had rocket launchers strapped to it?  
  
'Wrong!' Edgar yelled triumphantly. 'This is an extra special chocobo. Anti-aircraft missiles, machine gun fire, and a few other adaptations of my own design...' He smirked evilly and patted the chocobo again.  
  
'All you have to do is push the buttons on the reins. All are marked for your convinience,' Locke swallowed nervously.  
  
'But it doesn't explode, right?' Edgar frowned.  
  
'Well, it shouldn't...'  
  
  
Back in the cave just outside Narshe, Shadow was enjoying a few moments of peace and quiet. The supreme leader had told him to get the esper to South Figaro, where a ship would be waiting. Then, he would get paid, and he would be free; free of those two idiots. Speaking of those two, he had started to wonder what was taking them so long. He had sent them undercover to the castle of Figaro to scout ahead and collect some supplies. This was a job that not even they could mess up...  
  
Right?  
  
  
'C'mon, Vicks!' Wedge said urgently, stumbling along the desert with his arms full of supplies. 'If we don't get back to Shadow soon, he might go back without us!' A few feet behind him, Vicks was staggering slowly; loaded down by even more potions, weapons and various items.  
  
'Slow down, Wedge!' he grumbled, trying not to lose the Elixir that was balanced precariously on top of the pile of goodies. 'He's not gonna go anywhere...'  
  
Wedge paused where he was, glad to get a rest under the indomitable sun. Why did Figaro have to be in the middle of a boiling hot desert?  
  
'These recon jobs are the pits...' he mumbled, waiting for Vicks to catch up. 'But we got some good deals, right? Even Shadow has to be pleased for all the stuff we got!' Vicks finally reached where Wedge was waiting and nodded.  
  
'Oh yeah. Only 1000Gil for a Potion!' Wedge let himself grin eagerly.  
  
'We only spent 500,000Gil and look at all the stuff we got!'  
  
'Well... We'd better get going... I wonder why all those merchants were laughing at us...?' Wedge scowled.  
  
'It's cause of these stupid undercover clothes Shadow made us wear. I told him yellow wasn't my colour... It clashes with my eyes...' Vicks let out a slight sigh.  
  
'I don't think he likes us...' Wedge nodded.  
  
'I know... But he'll feel much better when he sees the present we got him!' The two giggled eagerly and started to walk back towards the cave again. Yup, he would be pleased when he saw all the supplies and the extra special gift they had got. And it had only taken half of the funds for them to buy all this.  
  
  
Shadow was almost asleep when the two idiots stumbled back into the cave, in a flurry of groans, grumbles and potions. He leapt up from where he was lay, making it seem like he had actually been training all this time.  
  
'Where have you two nitwits been?' he asked angrily. Vicks and Wedge had dumped their loads on the ground and were now leaning against each other; trying to catch their breath.  
  
'W... We had to carry all the stuff... back from Figaro...' Vicks stuttered, gaining an affirmative nod from Wedge.  
  
'Y-yeah... It was heavy...'  
  
'And hot...' Shadow rolled his eyes.  
  
'Excuses, excuses...' he said, moving to the entrance of the cave; just to check how hot it was. His black ninja gear had a tendency to trap heat and make him pass out on warm days. He couldn't have that happen in front of the twits.  
  
'Lets see what you got then,' he said, moving over to the pile of items. Wedge pulled a checklist out of his pocket and began to read things off.  
  
'15 Potions, 5 Phoenix Downs, 3 Elixirs... Check,' Shadow nodded contently. At least they could follow a shopping list.  
  
'20 Shuriken, 1 Crossbow, 2 Mythril swords and a couple of Cherry Squishies... Check,' Wedge went on. Shadow's eyes narrowed. Since when did he order Cherry Squishies?  
  
'2 bags of popcorn, 17 single M&M's and a partridge in a pear tree... Check,' Vicks said, reading from his own checklist. Shadow turned to them both.  
  
'Wait just a minu...' he started, only to be interuppted by a grinning Wedge.  
  
'And last, but not least, a present for our dear leader...'  
  
'Check!' Vicks said, far more enthusiastically than Shadow would have liked. What the hell was going on here?  
  
'What present...?' he said, feeling very uneasy about all this. Wedge moved towards the pile of items and began to rummage around.  
  
'Nope, not there... Is tha... No, not that either... Wait a second... No, wait... Ah-HAH! Here it is!'  
  
'Quick, quick! Give it to hiim!' Shadow's eyes moved over to where Vicks was clapping his hands eagerly and jumping up and down on the spot. This was not right...  
  
'Here it is!' Wedge said, bounding towards Shadow with the energy of the supreme leader when he was on a sugar rush (not a pretty sight) The assassin looked down into Wedge's outstretched hand.  
  
  
The anguished scream could be heard back in Narshe, where Locke was gingerly testing out the Aston Choco. He frowned; looking down at Gogo.  
  
'Sounds like someone's trying out one of Edgar's patented designs,' he quipped. Edgar, who happened to be following one of his beautiful female lab hands around, heard and frowned.  
  
'Heeey!' he complained. Gogo and Locke began to snigger.  
  
  
'B-but, we thought you'd like it!' Wedge was screaming as Shadow chased him and Vicks around the cave.  
  
'We just wanted to show our appreciation for your fine leadership!' Vicks yelled back, dodging an angrily thrown Shuriken. Shadow paused for a moment, turning a funny shade of red under his mask.  
  
'YOU SPENT ALL OUR CASH ON A TOASTER FOR ME?!' he yelled, kicking the now mangled present harshly. Wedge and Vicks nodded dopily.  
  
'Well, yeah! Everyone likes toast!' Vicks said. Wedge nodded.  
  
'And it's not just a toaster. If you kick it hard enough, it turns into a highly explosive toaster! The King of Figaro himself built it!' Shadow was about to throw a Shuriken right between Wedge's eyes when a beep sounded from the toaster. He looked down.  
  
'I swear I'm going to kill that supreme leader for sending you two out with me...'  
  
  
The explosion could also be heard back in Narshe. Gogo was now testing out the Aston Choco; gingerly pushing a few of the buttons. He and Locke exchanged glances.  
  
'Yup. Someone trying out one of Edgar's designs,'  
  
'Hey! I heard that!!'  
  
'Heh heh heh...'  
  



End file.
